My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
