flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize