her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
