Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize