if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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