Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
