Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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