Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
