best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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