Got a toothbrush?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
