I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
