i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
