no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
