I think I won the penis lottery.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
