glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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