At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
this hospital has no fireball
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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