sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
