I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am naked and annoyed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
