The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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