I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
