You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
