I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
