i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
