he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
