Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
