Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
