Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
