Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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