I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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