new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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