I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You dont lie about slip and slides
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
