I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
