Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So squirting runs in the family.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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