When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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