I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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