considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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