is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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