I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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