I think i peed on brittanys purse
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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