Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
