when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
