Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
