Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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