p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
