i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
