how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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