you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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