Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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