Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
