Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
