I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
