Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed š
Thanks for going with me today. Itās been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
Itās called āshopping for lingerieā and itās one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
