The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
