Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
