stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
