I'm really into asian looking animals
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
