According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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