he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
