took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
