Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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