you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
