My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
